MY RELATIONSHIP IS HOLDING ME BACK

I am in a healthy, caring and loving relationship that i wouldn’t give away for the world. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call my partner my own. He means the world to me and i have never been supported by anyone the way he supports me.

but still…

There are times when i feel like the relationship holds me back a little.

and i am very well aware that what i am talking about here sounds like a whole bunch of whiny bulls*** and that’s probably because it is.

But you see my relationship is long distance. I spend a couple of years after school abroad, as many people do, and i ended up meeting the love of my life as i was out there. As my time (and Visa) was up, coming back home was the only smart thing to do. So i did it because i have always been a rational girl that makes smart decisions. We are not even going to address the miseries that came with my oh so smart decision. Here i am today though 6.200 km and 6 hours in time difference away from the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. This comes with a lot of challenges as one can imagine, but what i struggle the most with is trying to make a plan for the future. I know that he is in it, but where do we go from there on ?

I’m approaching my mid 20’s and i feel like this should be the time where i should be making decisions that are going to affect the course of my life, but i find myself crippling and unable to make any decision. The mere thought of making a decision causes nausea and a very persistent headache. I have always been like this though and it would be unfair to solely blame my relationship for my indecisive personality. I remember being younger and starving through school lunch, because i wasn’t able to decide what i want and spending my money on something random, that i feared i wouldn’t enjoy, was not an option either. Its stupid i know but the fear of choosing the wrong thing makes it impossible for me to choose ANYTHING. I’ll just figure it out later after class, I’d say to myself (which turned to I’m off already, I’ll just eat at home)

So if this is just how i am, where does the “my relationship is holding me back” part come to play.

Well this long distance relationship has just added to the anxiety that was already there and that in many ways. For one it acts as an excuse for my anxious self. “Oh a big decision has to be made” well instead of committing i just book a flight and spend a month away from home instead. And its all super logical in my head because i do need to tend to my relationship after all. But the thing is i know exactly what I’m doing and the guilt that follows me around is my witness.

My relationship also fuels the anxiety though. When you love someone you want the best for them. I love my boyfriend and I love myself. Him moving here would have a significant (negative) impact on his career, as he did not get his degree from here (plus i really don’t want him to leave all his family and everything he has known for me) but me moving there has just as much of an impact on my career and future. So all i do all day everyday is stress about it which then again makes me unable to make any decision about anything. “Does it even make sense to finish school here when i will end up over there anyway, should i be spending this money that i might need to support him when he first moves here”. These and so much more thoughts similar to these are my day-to-day.

Oh and then there’s the whole 6 hours difference thing. Something that i wish someone would have told me beforehand is that long distance relationships require way more time than a relationship in which you are both close to each other. When im awake he is sleeping or at work, when I’m sleeping or in class he is awake. In the in between time I’d like to get sh*t done but i also have to tend to my relationship and find time for face time calls. It gets exhausting and i find myself neglecting my responsibilities in order to keep my relationship healthy ( even though he does not encourage this at all or even know about this honestly)

 

Life is complicated. I need someone who has been through something similar and can shed some light into this situation of mine. Can anyone relate ? any tips ?

Thank you

Mily

2 thoughts on “MY RELATIONSHIP IS HOLDING ME BACK

  1. I’ve also been in along distance relationship for almost 8 years, not as many hours as yours. But I also struggle wondering where things are going. The only thing I can say is don’t block your blessing by holding into something you’re not sure about. Hope it all works out for you!

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    1. 8 years! Tell me howwwww. I thought It would get easier with time but it actually gets harder dealing with the distance, planning for a future while also trying not to completely neglect my life here. So kudos to you for being able to do it for 8 years. I have never questioned whether we should be together or not though that’s what keeps me going. Thanks for sharing and I wish you the best!

      Like

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